Handle the Set Back
Have you had a setback recently? How did you handle it?
“We’re taught to improve uncomfortable situations, to change things, alleviate unpleasant feelings. But if you accept the reality that you’ve been given... you free yourself to begin filling up again.”
A little while back I received some information that was opposite of what I wanted to hear. Don’t worry, it was not life-shattering, but thanks for your concern. In lieu of flowers, just send chocolate. Nevertheless, I was crushed. I wanted to cry, and, as in the quote above, my instinct was to “alleviate [the] unpleasant feelings,” push the sadness aside, and keep plugging forward.
But I didn't. Instead, I followed the recommendation from Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski in Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle (both from the book and from on several podcasts where they discuss the book’s counsel).
I sat down, put my head on my arms, and let my feelings play out. I sat in the sadness, experienced it inside me, and paid attention to my feelings like they were important and required attention. Because they were and they did. Before I was even finished feeling them flow through my body, my brain was already picking up lessons and learning from the situation that brought the news, making plans for next steps. I purposefully paused those thoughts and went back to focusing on the emotion, because I knew it hadn't finished playing out yet. And that was true. Sadness visited me again later that day, I think because it hadn't had its full airtime. When it was fully experienced, I was ready to take the lessons learned and go on to next steps and move forward. I really did feel ready to “fill up again” with new emotions.
Sure, it was a setback. It was a set back, though, not at game-over. By accepting reality and leaning into the emotions that came with it, I was able to handle them and not be overwhelmed by them. I experienced them, I didn’t fight against or ignore them. Giving them attention is what led to me releasing them. The more often I practice this approach, the easier and more instinctive it becomes. It’s made me more resilient.
What do you do when you experience a setback and strong emotions? How do you handle them? How would you like to handle them?
The first step is noticing your strong emotions. The second step is feeling them. Only then can you let them go and be free to fill up again.